Jake had loved him for as long as he could remember and Avery had loved him even longer than that, days longer, and the way that they grew closer every day made one day seem like an extra eternity that they could have loved each other. One day was wasted without the others’ company.
The only problem was that their love, though mutual, was not and had never been romantic. They kissed, but blushed it into something friendly. They shared, but don’t all friends share? Avery had dreams that he didn’t understand where Jake’s arms wrapped around him and, in the dark, took him somewhere, lifted him somewhere overwhelming and confusing and mysterious and good, dreams where his body felt as warm and new as the front of his boxers when he woke up. He was afraid of these dreams and what would happen if Jake slept next to him, and so they never slept together at night, though Jake had similar dreams and would coax them away with his hand and a tissue when he got to his room at night alone.
The only thing that seemed to be missing they didn’t understand until now, fifteen and sixteen, and it seemed impossible that they could be to each other what those people in movies were or that they could taint their friendship with that raw disgusting thing that the older boys showed them tapes of—or so they thought, and dreamt of later to the contrary. But they didn’t feel a want between them. And their friendship meant everything.
Still, Jake found a fierce enjoyment in watching Avery sometimes (because they were friends), and he was doing it now. There was one more class to go, and Jake tossed Avery a note asking if he wanted to take a walk later. He smiled when Avery nodded. There was another boy who watched Avery, he knew, in Avery’s last class, and there was no friendship acting as a bubble between them, too delicate to touch each other through. But that boy wasn’t a real worry to Jake, even if he liked knowing that Avery would be thinking of their walk and not the eyes on him. What could the other boy do, anyway? Jump on Avery?
Each weekend it got harder to keep from jumping him. Jack loved the brief look on Avery’s face when class was announced done on Fridays, the relief and slightly far-off expression that would turn into boredom halfway through the following day. He didn’t love being away from him for two days without guaranteed glimpses of Avery—most days he never stepped outside of his room, and Jack could see Avery’s door from his, so he knew.
Next to him, Jack could hear a muffled giggle through the wall, and then another noise, like something had been shoved up against the door. Ah. Some older boy must have smuggled his girlfriend in for the night, and—yes. They were having sex. Jack could hear them as they gradually forgot about who could be listening and grew louder. He wrinkled his nose and turned on some music to drown them out. At least someone was getting laid.
Jack needed a good fuck. The clubs of London were just too far away and he didn’t care for the journey without a guarantee of a decent blowjob. Anyway, what he wanted was down the hall. Jack opened his door and looked at the expanse of wall that he knew would open into Avery at some point. No doors opened. No doors shut. Next door, the girl moaned. Jack closed his door again, and opened his window. The grounds below it were all dead and beaten into a dull pattern of grays and browns, and Jack added gray whorls of smoke to it in puffs, lighting up three consecutive cigarettes until it was too cold and he had to shut the window, flicking the last butt into the brown dirt below. He always wondered if there were embers left, or ash, or if there was a large enough collection of butts that would cast suspicion on his window above, but he’d never actually bothered to look. He could afford a few more demerits, he figured, and it might be interesting to get one that wasn’t for his uniform. Not that any of them had worked to attract Avery’s attention.
Was that a door?
Avery left his room already shivering, and wrapped the scarf even more tightly around his neck. It was always cold here, especially to him, and he didn’t think that he could take it anymore. He would have to go home for the winter at this rate, and to hell with Eton. He’d miss Jake, of course, but there was nothing really to stay for. Plus, Jake could always visit. They were friends. Now, if Avery had more than just a good friend there might have been a reason to stay, someone who could keep him warm or at least distract him from the cold outside—but that was no good to think about. He was late.
There was a cigarette butt on the grounds outside when he hugged the side of the building to avoid the wind, and he kicked at it idly, shuffling quickly to meet Jake.
Jack watched.
After a while, Jack followed.
Avery was thinking about Jack. It was no secret that the new boy watched him in class, but Avery didn’t think that anyone had ever actually noticed that Avery often looked back. Who wouldn’t? After all, Avery knew he liked boys, and everyone knew that Jack liked boys, and Jack was a boy, too. He didn’t understand how they would have any problems getting together—Avery looked over at Jake, and Jake looked away. Yes, Avery was attractive. He understood that, perhaps better than people thought. And there was Jack now, a ways behind them, smoking once again. He seemed to have been watching Avery’s arse, and Avery studied him for a moment before turning back to Jake.
“Do you want to go into town tomorrow?” Jake asked, ignoring the other boy behind them. “We can get some food, and bring it back for a picnic sort of, in my room. Or your room! I was thinking chocolate.”
“You’re always thinking chocolate,” Avery teased, smiling and leaning against a tree. Jake shoved his shoulder lightly.
“Am not!”
“Are so!”
“Am not!”
“Excuse me.” They looked up to see who had spoken, and Jake let go of Avery’s scarf, which he’d been tugging. The voice wasn’t a very familiar one, but it still seemed—oh. It was Jack. He wasn’t smoking anymore, and he seemed intent on something.
“Yes?” Jake asked, crossing his arms unconsciously. Jack’s eyes took in his arms, but snapped right back to Avery’s face. Avery watched him wordlessly, but Jake noted happily that he was taller than Jack.
Jack hadn’t decided what he was going to do, but when Avery looked at him, he’d caught right up. The dark hot one glared at him, but that wasn’t Jack’s fault. Avery was studying him, and the hot one didn’t matter. He still didn’t know what he was going to until Avery blinked, and he saw the long eyelashes part again to fix those perfect green eyes on his face. “Hello,” Jack offered this time, and kissed Avery.
They had been dating for three weeks, six days, and approximately two hours, as far as Jake could figure it, and it still hadn’t fallen apart. He would see them together, Avery’s head bent toward Jack’s and then suddenly tossed back with laughter, and he would see a grin instantly illuminate Jack’s face and make him look irritatingly attractive. What he didn’t see was how it made any sense. They had nothing in common. Were they—having sex? Jake couldn’t ask Avery, because when they saw each other he didn’t want to waste that time talking about Jack.
Avery was so happy now that Jake was certain that there was a liberal amount of nudity going on, anyway. How could there not be? As far as he knew, sex was what Jack was giving to Avery, because everything else was in their friendship, and if it wasn’t sex then why hadn’t Avery chosen Jake? He still looked at Jake in the same way, like Jake was the only one in the room, and they still shared everything. Except about Jack. But Jake didn’t care about Jack.
He did care about Avery, though. And only now was he realizing just how much he actually did.
Avery and Jack were walking this time, arm in arm and steps synchronized. Avery had his hand rather daringly in Jack’s back pocket and Jack’s was around Avery’s shoulders, holding him close, keeping him warm. It was fully winter now, and Avery wasn’t thinking about leaving. He was, however, wondering what to give Jack for Christmas, and what it would be like to bring him home for the holiday. His mum was desperate to meet Avery’s boyfriend, and Jack had all but fled when Avery suggested they speak on the phone. Avery interpreted his shyness to mean that Jack wanted to make a good impression and had no idea how to do it, and he knew that this was probably right. They’d learned a lot about each other, and that was why Avery also knew that there was no family for him to meet. And sometimes Avery was afraid that he was too wrapped up in Jack, but Jake seemed satisfied with their time together, and wasn’t he supposed to spend more time with a boyfriend (boyfriend!) anyway? It was never awkward, at any rate. He and Jake hugged still, sometimes kissed, and took walks once or twice a week like clockwork. Jack teased Avery that all this walking would turn his thighs into something even stronger. Fitzwilliam diamonds, perhaps? That was how Avery knew that Jack didn’t care about Jake being around, and it was also how he knew just how much Jack was thinking of his thighs. It was a nice feeling.
They had, actually, had sex before. Avery hadn’t really liked it but Jack had kissed him, and Avery, eager for that kiss, had waited out the pain, and the best part that he could see was in Jack’s hand, so much better than Avery’s own. But Jack had promised to let Avery be the one to fuck him soon, and Avery thought that it would be this weekend, judging by the way that Jack had jumped when Avery’s hand first slid into his pocket. It wasn’t embarrassing like Avery had thought, but something comforting, being that close, even if Avery felt like Jack was holding back sometimes, at other times Jack seemed even more nervous than he was. So sex hadn’t been a big obstacle, and now an erection at a stray touch didn’t seem like something dirty at all when Jack was around. Just an excuse to lock the door and spend a few more hours in each others’ company. But today they parted at the tree it had begun at, and Jack kissed Avery goodbye for some eight minutes. Avery had class, and Jack was going to the store to buy more fags and a gift for Avery, as was his custom. Last time it had been flowers. This time, Jack was thinking about clothing. Would that be too forward?
Jake saw Avery, who was probably about to die for want of oxygen, and waited until Jack was gone, whistling with keys in his hand, to scurry after Avery and nudge him with his shoulder. “Hello!” Avery chirped, nudging back harder. “Have you been avoiding me?”
“No, of course not,” Jake said, and nudged him so hard this time that Avery squeaked and stumbled a little to his side. “Do you want to do something later or do you have a hot date?”
Avery made a face and then attempted to trip Jake. “I have a hot boyfriend! And you know it. But I want to do something. “Will you come over?”
“Yeah.” Of course Jake would. They were okay, after all. Always friends, even if Jake wasn’t happy to be alone with Avery in a very friendly way, although there was no denying his happiness. Always friends, and that was what mattered.
Always friends.
That had been months ago now, and Jack was headed back to Avery’s room once more. He was carrying some magazines, because he’d been thinking about getting another earring, and Avery insisted on being a part of the process. Not that Jack minded. Avery would end up sucking on his ear, and then they would have sex, hopefully where Avery decided to suck all manners of things. But maybe they’d just cuddle. That would be nice, too, and it was getting to be too hot for (Jack to wear) clothes anyway.
When he got to Avery’s room, though, Avery wasn’t there. Figuring that he’d stayed into class or gone to play rugby with his friends, Jack took off his tails and went to hang them up so Avery wouldn’t lecture him, when he found a scarf that was most definitely not Avery’s. Actually, he recognized it. It was Jake’s. Of course, Jack knew that there was nothing between them, but he did feel guilty because he often felt like there should be. Jake had probably left this scarf after a study session or something like that. Avery wouldn’t cheat on Jack, but Jake’s obvious presence in his life made Jack think.
When Avery got back, they would have a talk.
When Avery got back to his room, he’d been a little quiet-feeling, like he always did after a loud visit to Jake. But he was surprised enough to make a small pleased noise at seeing Jack on his bed. Jack wasn’t wearing his tails or his tie, and Avery grinned. “Been waiting long? And getting hornier? I hope.”
Jack stretched out and smiled at Avery, who clambered up next to him. “Hey boy.”
“You’re one yourself.” Avery sat in Jack’s lap. There was something that Jack had to tell him, he could tell, but there was no feel of urgency to it, and there was no pause before Jack’s arms came up around him to signify something wrong.
“You smell like outside,” Jack told Avery’s neck, sucking on it. “And Jake Griffith.”
“You know what Jake smells like?” Avery asked, wide and then narrow-eyed.
“Of course not,” Jack told him, skating fingers over Avery’s cold stomach. Avery huffed happily, warmly, into his neck. “But I guessed. Do you love him?”
“Oh! Well you’re just a sneak then do I—“ What? Avery slid off of Jack’s lap and stared at him. “Is that what you think? That I’m—“
“In love with him,” Jack interrupted. “Nothing more. I mean, not instead of—“
“I love you,” Avery breathed, and Jack reached for him again. They pinked at once, smiled, and Avery hid his face in Jack’s fresh-smelling hair.
“I love you too,” Jack told him, for the very first time. And now they seemed indestructible, but Jack stroked Avery’s cheek and spoke again. “I don’t think you’ve ever gotten over him. And he loves you, too. I don’t know what to do about it, but if you’re hiding or it makes anything awkward, maybe you should talk about it, because—“
“You don’t know,” Avery whispered. “You don’t know.”
“Tell me.”
“I can’t help it—I’ve tried…he’ll never, Jack, never ever it could ruin everything and now there’s you—“
“Oh.” Jack’s stomach hurt. He’d been afraid of this. “Well, what if he figured it out now, what would you do?”
“I don’t know.” Avery picked at a bandage on his arm, and Jack didn’t stop him. “It won’t happen.”
Not if Jack didn’t do something.
The thing was, Jack hated to see Avery sad. He and Jake must have that in common. And Jack had been studying Jake. Avery was quieter with Jack now, and probably with Jake, and if he chose only one of them Jack knew he would have done it already. Forcing Avery into a decision would be hell for everyone. So what was there to do? As far as Jack saw it, the only thing to do was take the decision away completely.
As far as Jake saw it, the problem was Jack.
It wasn’t that Jack wasn’t a nice guy or anything, because he was. Too nice. Actually, he was quite as nice as Jake was generally considered, and if that was so, then Jake felt quite insecure about his relationship with Avery. Jake just wondered if Jack knew everything that he did about Avery (where his grandparents live in town, and that they argued daily) or if there were some things that Jack knew and he didn’t (Avery slept in a fetal position and uncurled, asleep, only in Jack’s arms). He also wonders what they looked like…during. Oh nevermind. It was only natural, though. Just to wonder.
But maybe it wasn’t so natural to wonder at length, at both of their bodies and what it would look like, in his head, naked bodies flashed, Avery and Jack and then Avery, Jack, Jake Avery Jack Jake and Jack and then Jake and Avery. No, it couldn’t be at all normal anymore, not this. Not when the thoughts surged so powerfully through him that it beat a tattoo in his blood. Not when he couldn’t stop thinking about them so that even in the showers he would hunch, facing the wall at two in the morning when everyone was asleep, and try to tug them out, try to keep his secret thoughts from becoming something that he actually has to think about, from being something real. He didn’t expect to ever have to make the depressing admission that he was in love with his best friend. Nor did he expect to think about this apparent attraction to his best friend’s boyfriend. Maybe he was just horny. But that was all right—he didn’t expect to do more than wank unseen in the school showers.
He didn’t at all expect Jack to be there.
Jack watched Jake from another shower stall, making sure the he wouldn’t be seen. He’d just come in for a cigarette—the bathrooms had the best ventilation, and he was awake, and didn’t want to smoke in Avery’s room where he’d come from. Besides, Avery was trying to get him to stop. What he hadn’t expected was to get a show, but it seemed that he was bound for one, and it became increasingly obvious with each sigh half-unheard behind the water and each shift of shoulder that meant that Jake’s hand was exactly where Jack thought it was. Genetics had been good to Jake, as had football, and Jake was certainly being good to Jack’s eyes. Had this been what Avery was interested in all along? Jack hardly blamed him, but the competition seemed so awfully stiff. No pun intended. When Jake came, Jack tucked himself under a bench and waited to be along again.
He needed to think.
Avery couldn’t think. Jake was due over in an hour, and Jack had left last night. He’d come back, of course, and when Avery woke up in the morning it was like nothing had happened, but there had been a period of time when he thought that surely, surely, there was somewhere else Jack had to be in the middle of the night. And that was ridiculous. He was probably just smoking again, not that Avery approved of that. No, not for a second. It just looked good. Maybe he’d needed the restrooms. But for an hour? He just didn’t want to think about it, and now, with Jake coming and making him more nervous, Avery was cleaning.
He had cleaned out his bag, and then his drawers, and then his closet, and when he was finished he would push everything into huge sloppy piles, and then put them away again. He banged his knee against the desk and sat down on it, with swirls of discarded shirts weaving an unusual pattern through his piles of folded trousers. He never was usually nervous about Jake visiting. Why today?
When the door was shoved open, Avery looked up, but he didn’t see the person that he’d expected to. “Jack?”
“Hey. Listen do you think you can help me get this off because the zip is stuck annnnd there are really fucking loud birds outside my window, so I’m here but I brought you one of those rolls you like from the kitchens! Also, a kiss. Come get it”
Avery did, but kept his hands on Jack’s chest so that Jack couldn’t suck him into several hours of kissing. “Jake’s coming over! I’m not ready.”
“You have to be ready?” Jack asked, and kissed Avery again. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing! Just sitting and hanging out. Talking, you know.”
Jack stepped away, and sat down on Avery’s bed. Why wouldn’t he leave? “Talking. Avery, I need to know.’
“I—Jack!” Avery couldn’t answer that! Why was this so hard?
“It doesn’t have to be the way you think. Just tell me, do you want him?”
Did Avery want him? Of course he had. He’d wanted Jake since he was twelve. But he wanted to keep Jack, and just get over Jake. He did! The problem was, how to get over Jake. Was it even possible? But he did want to! It just seemed impossible. “I’m sorry,” he said, and wiped a sleeved hand over his eye. Now Jack would hate him.
Jack reached for him instead. “Don’t be,”
It was so hard to be comforted when his clothes tugged at the bed sheets and harder still to cuddle when both of them seemed so far away from each other. Jack took off his shirt to curl up, to relax and touch Avery, and Avery’s followed soon after. They began rocking a little, not to get off or to wrestle, but just to continue to settle into each other’s arms properly. Avery felt warmer at last, and like Jake wasn’t an issue, and Jack looked at Avery and knew that everything he’d thought about would work. And he was just unbuttoning Avery’s trousers when Jake came in.
Jesus Christ. Jake had said to Avery when he was coming, actually hoping that something like this wouldn’t happen. What would they be doing if he’d been late? Fucking? Right in front of him? Well that was—never mind what Jake thought of it, it was just rude. He coughed, and Avery jumped up guiltily—although look at that, he was actually still mostly dressed.
Jake wanted to run, wanted to get away. It wasn’t anything he had imagined, because in his fantasies he doesn’t feel sad. Maybe because then he hadn’t been on the outside. He turned to go, and Avery sat up, but it was Jack who stopped him at the door. Jake stared at him, but Jack looked back at Avery and when Jake looked too Jack locked the door. Jake sat on the bed and looked at Avery, saw how Avery looked just as nervous as Jake felt sad. “It’s okay,” he said, shifting to face him more fully. Avery sad was the last thing that Jake wanted, too. “Really! I’ll just go.”
Avery didn’t want Jake to go. For some reason, he felt like if Jake left he wouldn’t come back, or it would never be the same, and he frowned again. At the frown, Jake tried to hug him, but it was too awkward, and without even glancing at Jack, Avery leant forward to give Jake a kiss.
He’d meant it only to be a comfort, a reminder of the little kisses that they had always shared during their friendship. A reminder of their friendship. Only a second, just to get him to stay. But this time, it couldn’t possibly have been anything so simple. Nothing was simple between them anymore, and this kiss was different than any kiss they’d ever had before. Avery’s heart went so fast it hurt, and Jake tried to move back to stare, to leave, to breathe but Avery followed and now they were really kissing, really kissing there was no stopping it or slowing its quick growth into something much more. I love you –I love you (they might as well have said it aloud, it was so obvious now). They had always shared, but maybe this was what they were missing. It must be. Had they always known? Avery thought maybe he had. And now everything made sense. His life made sense. It had always been Jake, hadn’t it?
But then, what was Jack?
Jack was thinking. He hadn’t planned anything like this when he’d come in earlier. And before, he’d only been thinking of pulling Jake in for sex. He’d been a fool. It was obvious that there was more between Jake and Avery than hormones. It was obvious that there was more between them than could ever be ignored now.
Jack sat down on the bed next to them, and they were so wrapped up in each other that they didn’t even notice for several seconds. If left alone, they probably would have forgotten the world.
Jake turned to look at Jack, but he still held Avery, and he looked different than Jack had ever seen him before. Jack reached out, and when Jake eyed his hand, he smiled, too. “I like you,” Jack said, and touched Jake’s face. Both Avery and Jake were watching Jack now, a couple. Well, if they’d shared everything before, Jack didn’t think they’d mind sharing one more thing.
He kissed Jake.
There was no revelation here; it felt good, but that was the point of any kiss. Jake didn’t return it, but he would. He would.
Avery made eye contact with Jack when he pulled away from the kiss, and if Avery’s eyes were a little wider, it was hardly surprising. Did this mean what he wanted it to? Could it? It seemed impossible, but ten minutes ago, so had Jake. The only thing that Avery was sure was that he wanted both boys, any way that he could get them. He had their love, and somehow, inexplicably, he loved them both. It wasn’t hard. Perhaps they could also learn. That was what Avery wanted.
But it wasn’t all that he wanted. Maybe it was too much, and maybe it would fuck everything up, but he had to try. And when Avery looked at Jack again he understood that somehow, Jack was going to try, too. Without giving it another thought, he shifted slightly and reached for Jake’s shirt. He was still wearing school clothes, he rarely switched out, and Avery undid a few buttons nervously before Jake noticed, and when Jake noticed Avery only became more determined. Jake couldn’t leave, wouldn’t. not when there were still things that they hadn’t shared.
Jake wasn’t exactly sure what was going on. This seemed to be another fantasy, Avery undressing him, but now Jack was watching, and the door was locked, and this was the most real that anything had ever been. And the best. When Jack kissed Jake again, of course Jake kissed him back. This wasn’t a decision anymore. It was like it had already happened, and all of this seemed familiar in a way that made Jake think that it would become even more familiar indeed.
Jake had loved him for as long as he could remember, and Avery had loved him back for even longer than that. Jack had only loved Avery for a few months, but he was trying to make up for it, and right now, he was beginning to think that maybe he could love Jake, too. Avery held more love than his body appeared to be able to hold, and it was only natural that that love belong to two people. Two boys. His boys. And Jake had just figured out that love had been waiting. He didn’t know how he hadn’t ever noticed before, but now it was here, and all that there was left was to take it.
They ended up taking something else from him.
Jake’s virginity was gone in an hour, but so was any awkwardness they might have had. The embarrassment, the potential regret, all of it was gone. Touching replaced them, and more kissing, and then clothes came off and something in the world changed. Maybe they changed. Avery and Jack touched like new lovers, and Jake touched everything, everyone, with no care to what was what and which was whose. They learned. They loved. They shared.
And when they all came together, they all stayed together. For the first time, Jake and Avery shared a bed. For the first time, each boy was happier than he’d ever been with their families or with each other in pairs. Boyfriends? Lovers? Loves? They’d figure it out. For now, they just slept, cuddled and curled, three into one.