the before:
4.16.03
no one has ever called me beautiful
3.6.04
I want him. i want him so badly that it almost hurts, the force of orgasm when I think of him, the way i have to stay in my chair in classes, it hurts not to kiss him. it hurts not to touch him. it hurts smiling at him in the halls and not slamming him up against the corridor wall. it hurts not being one hundred percent positive of his name. it hurts loving him and not being able to touch. oh, avery, if avery is indeed your name, avery, do you know how i touch myself, pretending it's you? can you see it in my blush when we make eye contact, in how my look intensifies, in how real my flirting is? do you know that i love you? i know only that i love you, and everything else pales in significance to the whitest possible pale.
i want him. i want to fuck him so impossibly hard that i'm in him too deep to ever feel the same again. i want his cock on my tongue, i want his cock down my throat. what does it look like? i've spent hours wondering. i want to know, i want to taste it, i want to swallow his come and have him watch me do it. i want to know every inch of his body. i want to have his nipples memorized. i want to make him scream. i want to have him trembling under me, begging pleading looking at me and knowing it's me doing this to him, this is jack, this is all me. want want want i want it all i want HIM i want to stop fucking myself with my fingers and i want to start fucking him. i want him i want him i want him.
i want him.