Avery never said it, but Jake could see it in his eyes sometimes. A flicker of fear: of waking up alone, of blinking once and being left with nothing but the click of the closing door. Jake hated himself for it. He should have followed Avery out the door; he shouldn’t even have opened his mouth in the kitchen as he stared numbly at the light reflecting off the broken pieces of glass. Or he should have said ‘Avery no’ instead.
He was afraid that flicker might be permanent, irrational though he knew it was.
Always he would touch Avery’s cheek, kiss him if the situation permitted; Avery would smile with a shyness that would never leave him, as if he had thought nothing. Maybe, consciously, he didn’t.
Maybe this was just Jake’s own fear.
They laid naked and tangled, bed sheets twisted and half on the floor as the sun was only just starting to rise. Avery’s breathing was deep and slow, though his eyes were still half open and on Jake over the nearly nonexistent space between them. Jake was touching him softly and slowly, fighting the growing anxiety pulling at the back of his mind, trying to push it off with the feel of Avery’s hair between his fingers and his eyelashes against the tip of his thumb, the warm weight of his thigh between his own.
“Avery,” he whispered, barely audibly, just as the other boy was beginning to relax completely against him. “Avery you know I won’t ever leave you. You know I won’t let it happen, not like before, not again, not ever. Not for real.” His tone, as quiet and tired as it was, was desperate. Avery murmured sleepily, and pressed his forehead more into Jake’s, fingers curling against his bare chest. “I won’t I won’t I won’t I won’t I won’t…” Jake breathed. He could feel Avery’s breath on his lips; he didn’t notice him blink as he closed his eyes.
“I know,” Avery whispered back.
Jake opened his eyes again. They were nose to nose, but this was how he liked to look at Avery best. Just his eyes, on his own.
“Do you?”
After a moment Avery nodded. “It was a mistake.” They were still whispering.
“A bad one.”
“A stupid one.”
“No more assumptions.” “Yeah. I mean, no.”
“Mm.”
“I love you Jacob Michael Griffith.”
Jake smiled.
They were so close their lips were moving against each other’s, and so Jake kissed him, feeling the irrational pressure that had been tightening around his chest lift as Avery deepened it. Both were half asleep but it didn’t stop them – they had fallen asleep kissing before. Now though, as they kissed with barely any tongue and almost no stops, their intimate movements told of more. Inside, one, whole, said the curl of Avery’s fingers around Jake’s forearm, said the slide of Jake’s thigh over Avery’s, said the way their hips pressed tightly together as if looking for the melding point. It wasn’t even a completely sexual thing, other than the press of growing arousals into thighs for the nth time that night, but it came out of a need. Because they felt best when together in the most intimate way possible, felt safest, felt as if this was how it supposed to be anyway. They made one, not two.
It was easy for Jake to slide into Avery, the preparation having been done many times over. Avery gasped a little and they rocked together, heads now bent slightly into each other’s necks just so they could be pressed completely together. Jake could feel the slow fast slower skip patterned beat of Avery’s heart against his chest, and moaned into the curve of his neck as Avery clenched reflexively around him, pulling him further in. They didn’t stop moving, even when Jake felt Avery close his eyes against his neck, little rolling and grinding movements of their hips. Jake thrust once, distantly wondering if they would fall asleep like this too, maybe before they could finish but then that hadn’t necessarily been the point anyway – but then Avery made a tiny choked noise against his shoulder and there was a rush of sticky heat spreading between them as Avery tensed and shuddered in his arms and rippled around him, which took Jake right with him and his own orgasm washed over in an intense rush and he clung more tightly to Avery with a three worded whisper and a sigh. And that is indeed how they fell asleep, Jake not even remembering his initial fear.